Life in Lockdown 2.0

As the nation takes it’s ever nearing steps towards our second Covid lockdown this week I felt it was only right to address the very large elephant in the room and no I am not referring to Boris Johnson. If anyone out there suffers with anxiety like myself, then I can imagine the anouncement of another month long lockdown has caused you much distress. However I am writing this post to hopefully help some others out there who have their worries and concerns about the upcoming lockdown and giving my advice on how best to handle it.

Unfortunately, we are now entering the colder and darker months which automatically makes this lockdown more difficult than the last as we don’t have the joy of long summer evenings keeping us company this time round. However even though we are getting deeper into the depths of winter as this lockdown comes into play, that doesn’t mean we have to let this lockdown defeat us. We got through the first lockdown which means we can get through this one as well. You will notice I say ‘we’ rather than the singular ‘you’ as I want to emphasise that you are not going through this alone and we are all in the same boat together. Make the time to call or face time friends and check in with those around you to make sure that they aren’t struggling, especially if they live alone or are currently working from home. It is so important to just simply ask someone if they are okay and to make sure that your loved ones aren’t finding things too hard.

The reason I stress this is because I have recently made the decision to decrease my medication after spending years taking tablets to help me handle my depression and anxiety. I am currently going through withdrawal from these and it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I feel nauseous, exhausted, spaced out and emotionless and that’s a few from the list. Some mornings have felt unbearable and even though I haven’t wanted to reach out to others, simple texts or check ins from my friends and those around me has really made a difference. Lockdown has opened peoples eyes and made them experience what it feels like to feel isolated and alone. Please don’t suffer in silence as so many people are fighting invisible battles that you don’t know about and I don’t want lockdown to make you feel like you are even more alone than before.

I think another major thing to remember is to not put too much pressure on yourself to be productive every single day. Majority of people will be off work or working from home as they have been previously, so remember to be kind to yourself if you have a lazy day. Just because other people are doing home workouts or making banana bread or whatever the next social media hype is, it doesn’t mean that you have to be doing that as well. Spend time doing things that make you happy; watch films you have been meaning to watch for ages or read the books that you have said you’re going to read but haven’t had time too. Explore walking spots to clear your head and even if it is just going round your estate, make sure you get some fresh air and don’t stay cooped up inside. Sometimes it is okay to simply feel too exhausted to do anything but exist and that’s okay but always remember that no matter how hard today was, you have made it through it.

One thing I advise doing that has really helped me is to unfollow any social media accounts that make you feel like you’re not good enough. Alternatively set limits on your social media so that you aren’t spending as much time scrolling through your phone. By doing this you can stop comparing yourself to others throughout the upcoming lockdown and spend more time doing valuable things. What people post on social media is what they want you to see and not reality so please don’t let that get you down. I currently have a list as long as my arm of books I want to read so that is going to be my pass time for a while, or paying off my house loan on Animal Crossing (if you know, you know).

One thing I do when I sit down to eat my dinner every evening is I think of one thing I am thankful for from that day. No matter how big or small, if I am feeling down I try to focus on something that has been good from that day. Take the positive things with you into the next and leave the negative moments behind you. They are to leave behind with yesterday and take the smallest or biggest moments of happiness forward with you into tomorrow. I am not a mental health professional but I find writing down my thoughts beneficial for my own mental health. I just want to try and help any one around me get through this difficult time in any way I can. We’ve got this and together, we can overcome Boris and his ludicrous lockdown. Stay safe, stay distanced and wash your hands.

Peace and love through this crazy month

🌸💗🌸💗 Beth 🌸💗🌸💗

Optimistic October

Yet again I have let my blog gather dust whilst I have let work take over my life for the last 6 months. Working from home and recently adjusting to working back in the office has been difficult and I know I am not the only one who has had to face these challenges. Zoom meetings and Microsoft teams have taken priority recently and I thought it was about time to blow away the cobwebs from my keyboard and bring some positivity to the table. I think we could all do with some after the curve balls that Covid-19 has thrown at us.

I want to start by asking if you are currently living your best life? Ignore the fact that corona virus has ruined 2020 for almost all of us and evaluate your answer carefully. If the answer to that question is no, then I simply ask you, why not? Our time on this planet is so brief and even though some days feel like they are light years long we are only the tiniest of fish in the largest of seas. So, if you are one of those fish that answered no, it’s time to get swimming.

So many people make excuses to not do something rather than stepping forward to the plate and giving it a go. Do you think that every major league baseball player started by hitting a home run? What about every medical surgeon, do you think they started their career by completing brain surgery? Think of all the professional athletes that have had to accept failure before getting a gold medal at the Olympics. Imagine how many times people have been turned down for an acting role before getting their big break. The point I am trying to make is no one achieves instantaneous success. It takes hard work, time and effort and that applies to everything you try to do in life. Whether you are studying to be an architect, training for a triathlon, fighting back from a bad break up or recovering from a mental illness, the fact is it so emotionally, physically and mentally draining but eventually your hard work will pay off.

Whether your success shines through from a new job, having a baby or simply getting out of bed today, it doesn’t matter. The fact is you are succeeding. All those times that you thought you were going to give up, you didn’t, and I am here to give you a gentle reminder of how well you are doing. If you have gone out and met new people, learned new things and felt new feelings then you are doing so many things that might make you scared but that’s okay because you have continued to pick yourself up each and every time you have felt deflated or heartbroken. What incredible strength it takes to get through the toughest of days/nights and know you survived them all. How sweet does it taste when you get that promotion, buy that car, visit that place you’ve always wanted to explore and to know that your hard work got you there. Stop downplaying all of your efforts and comparing it to those of others because you will never find happiness in others if you can’t find happiness in yourself.

We only have a few months left of 2020, corona virus is still very much controlling society, depicting what we can and can’t do however please don’t waste your last few months of the year dwelling on the success of others. Focus on the success of yourself and please don’t think so lowly of yourself to only notice your failures. Take a moment to be kind to yourself as without those failures you wouldn’t gain the valuable lessons they have taught you. Look at what this year has taught you and use that strength and wisdom to drive you to the finish line of your next goal.

One of my goals of 2020 was to get a dog and introduce that new addition into our home. I bought the most perfect puppy a few weeks ago even though I have never had a pet and my anxiety was through the roof but fact is I over came that fear and now we have Pepper, the cutest new member of the family. I have recently travelled on a plane by myself abroad even though I am terrified of flying but again I over came that fear and had the most amazing trip with my best friend. I am currently striving for a promotion at work and putting in the hours but have had incredible feedback so far and even a present from my recent induction group. It doesn’t matter what other peoples goals are because it only matters about your own. If your goal is to get up and out of bed today, write it down and tick it off your list. If it is to get a six pack, put down the cheetos and get yourself to the gym. If it is buying your own place then start saving and do it.

So again, I will ask you, are you living your best life? If the answer is no then make those changes so you are because you deserve to be. Whatever it is on your list, make the sacrifices to achieve the goals that really matter to you. What are your goals going to be for the rest of October? Whatever they are, I hope you achieve them.

Peace and love always,

Beth 🌸💗

Generation of Change

I have been deliberating for a while whether to bring the topic of Black Lives Matter to my blog, but over the last few weeks as the marches have passed by and social media feeds slowly return to ‘normal’ I realized that now more than ever is a time to focus on this. I want to say before I go any further that I know I will never understand, but I stand with you in the hope that things will change. 

On the 6th of June, I took part in the Black Lives Matter protest in Manchester. It was so moving to see the number of people that marched through the city that I once used to call home. It is such an incredibly good feeling to know I took part in the largest Civil Rights Movement in history, but I have to be honest, I did have some concerns seeing as we were and still are in the middle of a global pandemic. 

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Of course, I was worried about coronavirus and the sheer amount of people that were there, but I also knew that if I didn’t stand up for what I feel is right, I would regret it. So armed with hand sanitizer and a face mask on, I proudly walked through the streets of Manchester, chanting with the crowds and holding my sign high. I never thought that in my lifetime I would have to stand up and protest for equality. It saddens my soul to think that people are treated differently just because of the color of their skin. We are all human beings just trying to find our way through this crazy experience we call life.

Our generation has the opportunity to make a difference. It isn’t enough to be anti-racist any more. We have to be the change we want to see in the world. If you can stand there and judge someone on the color of their skin, their religion, their appearance, or whatever it may be, then that only tells the world something about you. Take the time that you are wasting criticizing other people and use that time to reflect on your self and your attitude to other people. If you want to waste time and effort bringing that sort of negativity into the world, then you certainly have enough time to take action with the only thing in the world you truly have any control over; yourself.

What we see in the world is no more and no less a reflection of what is unseen inside of ourselves. To examine ourselves openly, and honestly, and to rid ourselves of selfishness or insecurity is the moment that we can bring true change to the world.

Slavery was abolished in 1865 yet it’s 2020 and we’re still fighting for equality. It genuinely shocks me to hear older generations talk about this movement because it isn’t about the fact that ‘All Lives Matter’ it’s the fact that my skin color has never contributed to difficulties I have faced in my life. I have moved through life without being racially profiled or unfairly stereotyped because of the color of my skin and I want to live in a world where everyone has that experience. Don’t let previous generations stop us from letting equality bloom.

So many people I know, I have noticed from the older generation come out with comments like ”I’m not racist, I have black friends’. I would never say anything because I would disagree and not want to start an argument but now is the time to be vigilant, to call people out for their passive racism. You may not think that one voice can make a difference but together we can make a change.

What are you going to do to make a difference today?

Peace & Love always,

💗🌸 Beth 💗🌸

Kindness is Key

I have finally begun to understand how Phil Connors felt in Groundhog Day, trapped in the same acidic loop, repeating the same day over and over. Whenever I watched that film I always wondered what it would be like to experience the same day on repeat and now that curiosity has become a reality. One thing I have struggled with more than ever during this pandemic is my increasing level of anxiety and I feel that Mental health Awareness week couldn’t have fallen at a better time. Now more than ever is a time when people are suffering in silence, isolated away from friends, family, colleagues and that lack of social interaction is taking its toll on everyone.

As it is Mental Health Awareness week, work asked me to write about my experience with mental health and it got me thinking about the theme of ‘Kindness’. I spent a long time being very unkind to myself and I am finally in a place where I can appreciate the strength and beauty of both my body and my mind. That isn’t to say that I don’t still have some dark days, as most of us do but it is now about how I handle my bad days and acknowledge that I feel a certain way rather than running away from it.

The definition of kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. I think it is relatively easy to be all three of these things when you mentally feel considerate towards yourself. The moment that you lose that sense of kindness to your mental health and well being is the moment that your mind becomes your prison cell and for some people, it isn’t so easy to break free.

From the moment that you are born into this world you begin to learn. From birth to death, the one person you learn more about than anyone is yourself. You understand your wants, needs, and desires better than anyone else on this planet and when your brain needs to get better you have to take the time out to nurture its needs. If you are feeling sad, anxious, afraid, alone, desperate, broken, trapped, scared, the list could go on…but the point I am trying to make is you are allowed to feel like that. Global pandemic or not, you are allowed to feel however the fuck you want.

I think the most important part of my previous sentence is the word ‘you‘. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Three simple letters that we all spend years developing and growing so that we can become someone we are proud of and that we want to be. You are someone that is worth fighting for and deserves to feel all the happiness, love and kindness that the world has to offer. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions because they are what have built you up into the warrior you are today. Without feeling those things you wouldn’t be the courageous person you are now and with every battle you have faced it has allowed you to carve out a future of endless possibilities to explore.

I am sorry if your experience of life has been similar to mine so far because I understand how difficult it can be to live with a mental illness. My inner demons: Anorexia, Anxiety, Body Dysmorphia, and Depression make a grueling bunch. I used to live in fear and shame, punishing my body for the pain I was experiencing in my head. My body will bear the scars of that pain for the rest of my life but I will continue to share my story so that I can help others out there know that they are not alone. Whether you’re having a good or bad day, allow yourself to feel those emotions. Don’t run away from how they make you feel and instead acknowledge that your feelings are valid. I still have bad days but that doesn’t mean it is a bad life. It means that I have the opportunity to move on from this feeling and tomorrow I can try again.

As my blog says, there are no flowers without rain and it is important to remember that even in the darkest of days your mental and physical health is what’s got you to this stage. Every curve, every hair, every cell that makes up who we are is what’s brought us to this moment so be kind to your body. It’s going to carry you forwards even when you don’t seem to know-how.

How can you be kind to your body you ask? Well, it isn’t just your body you have to look after. Also, be kind to your soul, your heart, and your mind by taking the time to do the things you love. Force feed your brain with positive thoughts and let the roots of positivity spread through you. Soon the person you want to be will be in full bloom. A beautiful flower that reaches for the sun, climbing up from the cracks of rock bottom with the almighty strength of an oak. Stop striving for perfection because it doesn’t exist. You are perfectly imperfect the way you are and the world is a brighter place because you exist.

You have no idea what you are capable of and the world is your oyster. The possibilities of who you want to be are endless and whichever version of you that you choose, I hope you are happy. Spend time getting lost in things you love and create a world for yourself that you are proud of. Whatever it is that makes your soul warm whether it be reading, painting, music, performing, traveling (after rona of course) but whatever it is, fill your life with it. Never stop learning because knowledge is food that your brain can binge on but if you need a lazy day, allow it.

Once you look after yourself with care and kindness this will effortlessly embrace others. We live in a world where we can be anything so always be kind. Mental health is an invisible battle that claims so many lives so take the time to reach out to your friends because one small act of kindness can go a long way. You are a ray of sunshine so what are you going to do today to make someone’s day brighter?

Peace and love always,

💗🌸💗🌸 Beth 💗🌸💗🌸

 

 

 

Better Late, Than Never.

So the first month of being 23 has flown by and it is time to reflect on where the last year has brought me. Not only have I bought a house with my boyfriend but I am also establishing myself within my job and taking the steps to progress forward with my career. On top of this, I have been to Paris and Berlin, music event after music event and I will be ending my summer at Creamfields in a few weeks time. I always find my birthday to be such a nostalgic day and I always find myself looking back on the past twelve months, wondering where the next twelve will take me.

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My 23rd birthday consisted of cocktail after cocktail in bar after bar across Manchester and as per usual when I started ordering tequila, I knew it was time to go home. One thing I never thought I would be doing when I first started writing this blog, was reaching my 23rd birthday and I have found the last few weeks difficult as I have seen everyone my age celebrating their graduations. All I keep thinking is “that should have been me” as I scroll through everyone’s photos and celebratory cap toss boomerangs.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am extremely proud of all of my friends for succeeding with their chosen subjects and to all those out there who have just graduated or obtained a degree, I salute you because it really isn’t an easy thing to do. Many a night spent in the library, cramming for exams, last-minute revision and scrawling down the last few words of your essays that are due in the morning. Rather you than me my friend. I will stick to my monthly posts and I struggle to find the time for that let alone trying to find that work life balance whilst juggling a part time job, social life, uni work, gym etc.

I have recently realised I spend a lot of time comparing my life journey to those around me. For example, the majority of the people my age are currently graduating but just because I’m not, doesn’t mean that I am a failure. I have my own house, I have a good job and I am happy. I have the rest of my life to become a graduate IF that is what I want to do. Life isn’t about doing everything that everyone else is doing. It is about doing what you want to do because you want to experience something.

Life is made up of so many moments of impact that simply pass us by but contribute greatly to the person that we are today. What others achieve today doesn’t mean that you won’t achieve them tomorrow, or the day after that, or next week, or year. There isn’t a timeline for us all to follow that says we must do this and must have done this by a certain age. You only see what others around you want you to see but that doesn’t mean you have to be doing the same thing.

So that person has graduated, that person is travelling, someone else has their dream job and another friend has bought their own house. That guy you know has been promoted to CEO and that couple you used to like are having their second baby. That girl in your class got an A+ and your favourite musician has announced another world tour. I’m sat at home in an oversized t-shirt, typing away and that is exactly where I need to be.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that life isn’t a race. Enjoy where you are right now because you’re never going to experience this stage in your life again. We spend so much time rushing to the finish line when in fact the journey we’re all on is the most important part. We all need to ditch the timelines that we think our lives should be following as everything will unfold in good time, just as it should.

Don’t run in competition with anyone but yourself. Don’t desire to be better than anyone no matter what shape or form that comes in. Just aim to be better than yourself, better than you were yesterday.

On that note, peace and love always,

Beth 💗🌸

 

 

 

Take a Time Out.

So my boyfriend and I spent the past few weekends couch hunting. After spending the last 6 months in our new home squished together on a tiny, ugly, disgustingly green love seat it was definitely time for new seating arrangements. As most first time home buyers will know, you are without a doubt ‘skint’ for the first couple of months whilst you adjust to budgeting your payments and having adult things to pay for like a mortgage, bills and oh god how I miss my parents paying for the weekly food shop.

So anyway, like I said, my boyfriend and I went couch shopping this weekend, ready to splash the cash on a brand new beautiful sofa. I can’t begin to describe how excited I was. So off we went hunting through DFS, CFS, Sofology and Harveys, sitting and perching on leather, fabric, fibre and sponge until we found a comfy and cosy, corner-shaped couch. I loved it and so did my boyfriend. We double measured and the deposit went down, finance application filled and away we went, happy with our choice and happy to have one thing done off our Saturday to do list.

Yet as soon as we left the store my brain began to wander to our narrow doorways and tight living room layout and I just couldn’t seem to switch off my negative thoughts. I tried to enjoy my afternoon but my anxiety was in overdrive despite the reassuring words from my boyfriend. Stop being silly I scolded myself, no one else is worrying but you. So afternoon turns to evening and evening turns to lying in bed wide awake at 3am. Lying in bed soon becomes measuring the living room like a crazy woman at 3:45am and then eventually dropping off to sleep as daylight began to creep through the blinds in our bedroom. My anxiety-riddled mind must have been exhausted from all the overthinking.

Now I don’t know about you but I can definitely say that worrying so much about a couch of all things is not normal. My thoughts were snowballing so fast that I could barely pinpoint one before an avalanche more just tumbled down on me. I felt sick, my heart was pounding and it didn’t matter what I told myself or what my boyfriend tried to reassuringly mumble at me as he was falling asleep, my mind was in a frenzy over the most ridiculous thing and I felt stupid for worrying.

When I woke up with a clear head and rational thinking mode switched firmly on all it took was a quick drive back to the store to resolve the situation. We cancelled the application and chose another couch and within a few days, our deposit was refunded and put back down on the new one we had chosen. It was as simple and as easy as that but the thing about anxiety is that it can manifest itself in anything, no matter how simple the resolution. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, that little bugger likes to pop its head up on a regular basis and make your day a misery and no matter what you tell yourself at that moment, all you can do is worry. I am a firm believer that no matter what meeting, interview, conference, presentation, date, speech, family dinner or event you have planned, it isn’t worth your mental health. Especially not a couch!

Now one thing that I like to do when I feel like my brain is running out of control is to try and take some deep relaxing breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth whilst I try to ground myself. When I am ready I slowly start to identify 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell and one thing that I can taste. All you have to do is slowly count down from five to one and before you know it your mind has dropped from 5th gear to 4th, maybe 3rd, luckily 2nd and finally first gear all because you’re focusing on rational thoughts. Anxiety affects people in different ways so this might not work for you but if someone out there is struggling today, I hope this little technique helps.

For example, I can currently see the sun shining through my window, 4 pillows on my bed, a mirror, a pair of converse and a cobalt blue…I want to say Peugeot…parked across the road. I can feel the keyboard keys on my macbook, my duvet that I am sat on, my grey joggers that I am wearing and the blue fluffy blanket at the end of my bed covering my toes. I can hear birds tweeting outside, cars driving past my house and the song ‘Time is Dancing’ by Ben Howard quietly coming out of my laptop speakers. I can smell the parma violet wax melt I have put on downstairs and pink grapefruit Zoflora from cleaning the house. Finally, I can taste fresh lemons because they’re sliced up in my water.

It took me a matter of minutes to type that paragraph and even though I am not currently in the midst of an anxiety attack it still helped me feel calmer and gather my thoughts. I took a couple of minutes and took the time out of my day to figure out what is going on around me. When you’re anxious I find that time has a tendency to either drag it’s feet or speed right up, there never seems to be an in-between.

Always remember to take the time that you need. If you feel like you can’t keep going then split your time down. Don’t think of your life as years, months or even weeks, take it one day at a time. Split the day down into hours if you need to and even further again down into minutes. You’re doing great and some people need more time than others and that is completely normal. Life is a complicated journey but one thing it certainly isn’t is a race. Remember to be a tortoise in a world full of hares.

Peace & Love always,

B 🌸💗

p.s our new couch is the best.

Feel the Love

God does it feel good to make time for myself and my writing. It has been way too long since my last post but in my defence, I have been very busy. Sometimes it can be nice when life gets in the way of your routine because after all, life is worth living right? And I really have been living my best life the past month.

This sort of attitude doesn’t come naturally to most people and that is definitely me included. It has taken me years of battling my own thoughts, insecurities, and anxiety to get to a place where I focus on my own happiness and what is important to me. I think a lot of the time people spend too much time searching for validation in others. Whether that be through the number of likes they get on a photo, how much money they earn, what they drive around in, who they sleep with or how many followers they have, people are constantly trying to fulfil their insecurities with acceptance from others.

But who really cares? Why does it matter how much I earn or whether I drive my squeaky Kia Rio to work or a top of the range Ferarri? Just to clarify, I definitely don’t have a Ferrari but I do love my Kenny the Kia.  Is it important that I have a certain number of followers on my Instagram or have fewer friends than you on Facebook? Does it mean that I am worth more if I sleep with more guys/girls than someone else? I actually got more likes than you on my last selfie and that must mean that I am better than you in some crazy world out there because those little likes are really life-changing aren’t they?

All of those things that I have just mentioned, bare that be a short and sweet list but they are irrelevant to anyone else unless you make them an issue. It is time for everyone to start falling in love with everything about themselves, even the parts they don’t like because at the end of the day they are still a part of who they are and a part of who got them to this point today. I think as soon as you embrace the parts of yourself that you don’t like, you begin to knock down that anxiety barrier brick by brick and then you can begin to love other things around you because you start to get more comfortable in your own skin.

At the end of the day, your body is your home, your shell, and your own personal environment. You need to look after what is both on the inside and outside as they are both your mental health and physical health are as important as one another. If you don’t love your own little home how are you ever going to love anything else going on around you let alone another human?

It’s time to fall so madly in love with the littlest parts of yourself because they make you unique. They make you slightly different from every other person out there and without them, planet earth would be a very boring place indeed. Everyone always wants what they don’t have. Longer legs, bigger hips, a six-pack stomach, blonde hair, brown hair. It doesn’t matter the feature, no one is ever happy with what they have. It sounds cliche but everyone is beautiful in their own way and everyone has something to add to the world. It’s just a shame, shame being the appropriate word there, that we live in a society where it’s more important to shame one another and bring one another down than building one another up.

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A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to visit the city of love itself. Paris without a doubt stole my heart but it inspired me to try and do whatever I can to make my corner of the world a little bit brighter. Whether that be through my blog or day to day life I want to try and empower one another to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be. The world is a messed up place but at least I know I am putting some love out there, even if I am one little fish in an extremely big pond.

Love your body, love your soul and love your mind and watch yourself and others around you begin to bloom. Treat yourself with kindness, fill your life with laughter and happiness and you will grow into the best version of yourself. I am currently trying this thing out where every day I wake up and I pick one thing that I like about myself that day, even if it is something small because at least then I am giving myself the smallest bit of love each and every day. Body confidence and acceptance comes with time and if you continue to take baby steps you will begin to embrace the imperfections that make you perfect.

What do you like about yourself today? I like that I made the time to write my blog.

Peace and love always,

Beth 💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸

 

Beautifully Blossoming.

Do you ever feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything you need/want to do? I am so annoyed with myself that it has been so long since my last post. I keep letting boring everyday tasks take over my time and I keep delaying doing what I enjoy. It is time to start devoting more time to me and things I love doing because it is important to take some time out from a hectic schedule to reflect and relax. The gaps between each blog post stem from my anxiety because I doubt myself, my writing and what people will think of me but at the end of the day, who cares? Because I shouldn’t. I started this blog for me and my mental health with the hope that it might help others who have been/ are going through similar emotions. That is what I need to focus on and remember where this little recovery blog of mine all started.

So without further ado, this weeks topic combines a number of things that I have been thinking about recently. My main struggle in day to day life is anxiety. I over think absolutely everything from the moment I wake up, to the minute I go to sleep and it’s like constant doubts are being whispered into my ear about everything that I do. For a lot of people, anxiety presents itself in different ways and personally if I am feeling anxious I go quiet because I feel drowned out by the constant noise in my head. When I am feeling like this I often get overwhelmed with honestly quite scary, intrusive and self-destructive thoughts. When these type of thoughts start to worm there way into my mind I feel like a wave of darkness is washing over me and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach as it begins to tie itself in knots. Is anyone familiar?

I am all too familiar with this sort of feeling and a few days ago I had a new and inventive way to think about that darkness that so often fills my head. So as you are reading the next few paragraphs get your imagination cap on because that is how my weird and wonderful mind works.

Think of your mind like a flower bed. Your entire skull is a plant pot with your brain representing the soil that fills it. Now think of the darkest parts of your mind, the parts that you are still trying to accept and overcome, the parts that you are treating like dirt and as a result, destructing yourself in the process. Until you are ready to let go of the darkest parts of you, you are stopping yourself from being able to plant seeds and let yourself grow. You are holding yourself back from so many potential opportunities because you are scared to let flowers grow. Don’t talk yourself out of change because as scary as it can be it can create something stunning when you’re finished. If you get your gardening gloves on and cut away the weeds and poison ivy that is toxifying inside your garden walls then you will give yourself room to grow. You have spent so long telling yourself that you can’t do something because you’re not good enough when the truth is that if you let yourself bloom you would be bloody beautiful when you do. You’re beautiful now, despite what you tell yourself, so imagine what you could do if you nurture yourself a bit more.

Your brain is a web of roots that are filled with talent, personality, and achievement that you have control over. Stop doubting yourself because you have as much time and as much opportunity as everyone else does and if you work hard and focus on your goals you will no doubt achieve them. There is no time frame on happiness or success and you have as long as you want to get your weeding done but trust me when you get rid of those annoying dandelions that keep popping up trying to ruin the beautiful hard work you have created you will feel so much better.

 

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That was the entire reason why I named my instagram recovery account @n0rainn0flowers (I had to use 0’s because the normal spelling user name was already taken) but the point is that without the darkest parts of yourself, you wouldn’t be who you are today. Without the difficult times in your life they wouldn’t have shaped you into the person you are now. What I am trying to say is that without the bad there would be no good and as a result @n0rainn0flowers was created.

Without the storms that I have been through the last few years, I don’t think I would be as strong as I am today. It has made me a more determined and resilient person and I am finally letting myself bloom into the person I want to be. I have got rid of the weeds that were holding me back and filling up way too much valuable space in my flower bed. I am still throwing miracle grow over the darkest parts of me but I am slowly accepting them one by one. As a result, it is letting me grow mentally, emotionally and physically as I am accepting my body and the change it is going through as I become a healthy weight again. I guess change isn’t always a bad thing after all and if you think about it a seed wouldn’t turn into a beautiful flower if it didn’t change. So whenever you’re in a dark place and feel like you’re being buried in the darkness, perhaps you’ve just been planted and you are just waiting for the right time to bloom.

Last week was Eating Disorder Awareness week and I want the people who are reading this who have gone through similar or are still fighting there recovery battle to know that they are not alone. For me, the nostalgia of my illness is what I struggle most with now and it is those types of thoughts that spread like wildfire and bring up old and very unwanted habits. The thing is you deserve to be happy, you deserve to go to family functions, parties, out for dinners, lunch dates, coffee shop trips, read your favorite books, watch your favorite films, rebuilding relationships both old and new and most importantly of all to laugh until your sides hurt and you have tears in your eyes. Recovering from Anorexia was the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done and without it, I don’t think I would be here today. Don’t give up and please keep fighting. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are loved and you are enough just as you are.

Peace and love always to whoever is reading my over imaginative thoughts,

Beth 🌸💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸💗

 

 

New Chapter.

It feels like forever since I stared at my laptop screen for something other than social media or Netflix and god it feels good to feel my fingertips flying across my macbook keys. I have been ridiculously busy the last few months and finding the time to think, let alone write has been difficult but today is the first day in what feels like forever that I have felt productive and I wanted to take some time out for myself and my blog.

When you choose recovery no one can begin to describe to you how beautiful it feels to finally start living again. I think that is the most incredible feeling that 2018 has shown me and it has honestly made me realise how much I have to fight for. At the start of last January I was still recovering from an illness that had become my best friend. I had replaced family and the people who cared about me for the voice in my head who told me not to eat. Anorexia or ‘Ana’ as I like to call her, comforted me every day because she was always there, shadowing and manipulating every thought I had. Not only have I lost friends from this illness but I also pushed all of my family away to a stage where mine and my fathers relationship was at breaking point.

Twelve months have passed and so much has changed. My body has slowly grown back to a healthy weight and I have gained a stone since the start of the year putting me back up to a healthy 8st 10lbs. I have a new job which I absolutely love and I am so lucky to work with a great bunch of people. On top of this I am now officially a home owner with my boyfriend and we have never been happier. If you had said to me a few years ago, when I was serving pints in a dingy student bar, to a tall boy with dark hair, that I was going to be buying a house with him, I would never have believed it, but here we are. Official home owners and getting excited over washing machines and toasters…I am definitely becoming an adult!

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Recovery is a very long process and even though I would say I am recovered from the worst of it there are very emotional days where I long for my body to look how it used to. One thing I have always done is hold onto the past and it takes me a very long time to move on from things. I let them haunt me for months/years and letting go of Ana is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. I describe anorexia recovery to my boyfriend as a constant battle in your head of the choice between what you want and what is best for you. I may be well into my recovery journey but there are many days where I miss the way my body used to look and I struggle to look at my reflection in the mirror but being able to live your life in a normal and healthy way is so much more rewarding than the number on the scales.

For the first time in several years I spent this Christmas with my family and my boyfriend and to sit around a table eating and drinking with people who I had spent a long time pushing away was the most perfect christmas gift.  2018 has taught me some incredible life lessons but I am ready to start my next chapter. Everyone always says new year, new me and each year everyone makes the same resolutions and empty promises but this year my resolution is to love myself more. I am ready to turn the page and begin to write my next chapter. 2018 has been one of the most life changing chapters so far and has given me some of the best memories. Some of my 2018 highlights have to be seeing Ed Sheeran live, going to DLDK festival in Amsterdam, seeing Deadmau5 in London, becoming a godparent and buying my house and sharing our first christmas together with my boyfriend in our new home.

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The adventures of 2019 are just around the corner and for once I am actually excited to see what this coming year will bring. I already have a trip to Paris which was the best christmas surprise from my boyfriend, a city break to Berlin booked in May and then Creamfields 2019 to look forward to.

2019 is the year for me to start loving myself for who I am. I want to continue building my knowledge, exploring, making art, being creative and doing things that fill me with joy. It is time to surround myself with positivity and focus on bettering myself. My new years resolution is to do all of this and more and just do what makes me happy.

What’s yours?

I’m sorry it’s been a while but peace and love always,

Beth 🌸💗

You just have to be You.

People spend a long time running away from their demons, whether that be physically, mentally or emotionally. We tend to run from anything that can hurt us, too afraid to admit that we might actually be struggling to handle the simplest of everyday tasks. When you start to run from yourself it becomes an endless game of pretend. It starts by convincing everyone around you that you’re okay and before long you’re believing it yourself, lost in a downwards spiral of denial.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no expert and I only ever talk from personal experience but the moment I accepted what I was going through and that my illness had become my way of life, it became a lot easier to handle. Admitting that I had a problem and asking for help was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because I was so scared. In fact I was terrified. I was just a girl who was unwell and afraid of what was going to happen. I honestly didn’t know if I was going to make it at times because a huge part of me didn’t want to.

Now, no one’s mental health battle or recovery journey is identical but they do have their similarities. Similar attitudes, behaviours, routines and so on and it’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I remember feeling so isolated, helpless, completely lost and too afraid to open up because I didn’t think that anyone would understand. The heartbreaking truth of the matter is that you’re not the first to feel that way and you won’t be the last. The important thing is to make sure you don’t give up even when you feel alone because you’re far from it.

I think one of the most important messages I try to promote through out my writing is that whichever individual is actually reading my weird and wonderful words then please know that you’re not alone. Whether it be similar issues to my own or other battles you’re facing then it is important to know that you’re not battling them alone. This week on September 10th it marked the 15th World Suicide Prevention Day and I think it is so good that society is taking the right steps to embrace mental health issues and make them more socially acceptable. It shouldn’t be a taboo topic. If you break your leg, you put it in a cast right? So what happens when someones mental health begins to suffer? People should never be made to feel ashamed for what they’re going through and it shouldn’t be as difficult as it is to ask for help.

I have seriously considered suicide on two occasions in my life and I can honestly say now that I am so glad I didn’t make that choice. On the 12th June 2017 I took an overdose and I remember wishing that I didn’t want to wake up but despite how horrendous I felt the morning after I am so glad that I did. Since that traumatic night I have grown stronger as a person both mentally and physically and no one can ever take that strength away from me. I have fought too hard to regain it and it has taught me so many lessons that I want to hopefully inspire other people with.

There are so many things in life worth living for and even when you’re in the darkest of places you have to focus on the littlest of things to keep you going. Those little glimpses of hope and happiness can save you more than you realise. I have surrounded myself with the people who are most important to me and the newest addition to this list is my adorable god son Joe (I’m not crying you’re crying) 😍😭

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The last few weeks have been so up and down for me and I have had to reach out and ask for help. This time last year I would have been ashamed of admitting I was struggling but I am now in a place where I want what is best for me instead of just sucking it up and putting on a brave face. I think I have spent so long trying to look like the skinny girl in the pictures which I spend far too long scrolling through on instagram or believing that I had to be a size 0 to even come close to pretty but the thing you have to remember is you don’t have to be anybody to be somebody.

You just have to be you.

This is me and I’m more than okay with that. Embrace yourself and always be kind, you don’t know what battles people are fighting.

Peace and love always,

Beth 💗