Last week marks the first birthday of this Little Recovery Blog of Mine. To the blog that became more than just random words and letters strung together to make sentence after sentence, thank you for helping me save myself without me even realising it. When I started this blog I was struggling through therapy, desperate to find a healthier way to handle my emotions rather than taking yet another blade to my skin. I had become the queen of self destruction, torturing myself with destructive coping mechanism after destructive coping mechanism. If it wasn’t dragging a blade across my skin, you’d find me at the bottom of an empty bottle. And if you didn’t find me there, then you would find me lost in a world of my own destructive thoughts.
Where does the time all go? One day you’re climbing the walls, looking for an escape in any direction, willing to do whatever it takes to take away the pain. The next you’re reflecting back on the last year of a journey which has brought you down the winding path to where you’re sat right now, reading my blog. June is a significant month for me. Not only does it mark my blogs first birthday but it also marks a year since I took my overdose. That night was simply the worst night of my life. Even though everything from that night is very hazy, which doesn’t surprise me considering the amount of tablets I had taken, it was the turning point. It was that moment that I remember so significantly in my head.
I remember getting to the hospital in hysterical tears, scared and alone, unsure of what was going to happen to me. I remember being sat in a side room, wrapped in blankets whilst my body tried to control it’s temperature, chills rattling through me from head to toe. So many tears had stained my cheeks and I had given up trying to wipe the streaks of mascara joining them. I felt so weak and I remember thinking all I wanted was the pain to go away. Doctors came and went, informing me to drink the jet black, liquid, charcoal that sat in three large cups before me. It was without a doubt the worst beverage that has ever touched my lips. It almost looked like ink but was somehow dry and bitty on your tongue, every sip sending shivers through me. I lay in A&E for hours, completely losing track of time as I hallucinated in and out of a tablet infused high. I felt sick as the charcoal tried to rid my body of the toxins floating round my system, the cardboard sick bowl lying below me as my only companion throughout my entire ordeal. “We really recommend you staying in overnight Bethany…” the mental health woman told me after lying their in silence for nearly 9 hours whilst the charcoal dyed my insides black. I somehow found the energy inside of me to sit up and look the poor nurse in the eye and simply said “I’m so tired, I want to go home” I wasn’t tired from lack of sleep or drowsy from the amount of drugs dissolving in my bloodstream. I was tired of living in so much pain. Seeing as they couldn’t stop me from leaving, they kindly booked me a taxi as I had no money or way of getting home apart from walking which wasn’t an option. I got home, undressed myself and collapsed in bed as the sun rose over Manchester.
That feels like a lifetime ago. I remember wishing that when I fell asleep, I wouldn’t wake up. So much pain, so much torture, I was exhausted beyond belief and unfortunately a good nights sleep wouldn’t cut it. The thing is when your mind is like a constant horror movie,playing out each intrusive thought on the big screen, it’s hard to concentrate on what actually matters. However, you somehow find the strength inside you to continue. You find the sun inside of yourself and it helps the garden inside your mind blossom instead of the monsters growing inside your head. The thing is with suicide is that you don’t actually want to die, you just want life as you know it to end. Life can change at any minute, any second even. One decision can put you onto a new path or push you in a different direction. If you make the decision to change your life then soon enough the bigger picture will begin to alter around you. It might start with something small, just a simple baby step but soon enough those baby steps amount into large transformations where with enough hard work and determination all of the pain, self loathing and despair that filled your life are soon left behind. It’s almost like laying a close relative to rest because in reality you’re leaving behind a large part of yourself, someone you had grown to trust and believe in. However, unlike a traditional funeral this is not something to be saddened over. You are introducing yourself to a world full of self care, love and light and that sunshine that is beaming from within you is going to guide the way.
Now don’t get me wrong, life is a beautiful thing but it is completely and utterly terrifying. When you’re lost in the darkness you begin to question whether it’s worth it, if this is all there is then why should I carry on? Well I’m telling you now that no storm lasts forever. Eventually the wind moves the clouds along, the sun peaks out from behind the clouds and you’re going to sing and dance in it’s rays. It might take days, weeks, months or years but god the rainbow is beautiful on the other side.
Now hindsight is a beautiful thing but if I could go back in time and make myself realise that it wasn’t worth all of that pain, then I would, but I can’t. Now, I don’t have a flying delorean or a flux capacitor but I do have the opportunity to keep doing what is best for me. I honestly think that social media is brain washing us into comparing our lives rather than celebrating them. No one appreciates one another or what we have because all we do is compare the amount of likes that we get and how skinny one girl is to another. People say a picture can say a thousand words but to be honest I think it would be more accurate to say a picture can hide a thousand words.
For example the photo on the left shows me and one of my close friends at Parklike Festival last summer. We look happy, I mean, why wouldn’t we be? We’re both smiling and we’re both in our festival gear ready for the weekend ahead of us, about to watch some of our favourite music acts.
Wrong. I was miserable. I hadn’t eaten properly for days and my boyfriend had to force me to have the tiniest bit of breakfast before I went because he knew that I was gong to be drinking all day. Once I arrived I spent all day walking around comparing myself to every other girl I saw thinking to myself that everyone looked better than me or thinner than me, absolutely despairing with myself on the inside. The voices in my head told me that everyone thought I looked fat and that I was bulging out of my shorts which in reality were hanging off me.
My point is, that you shouldn’t always believe what you see on social media. So many people suffer in silence and even though I used to be one of them I am proud of myself, my blog and where I am today. It might not be much but I am living or at least trying to make the most of this crazy journey that we call life. Compare the photo above to the ones below and you can see the difference behind the fake smile and genuine happiness.
Parklife 2018, you were a pleasure and I am lucky to have such amazing friends and boyfriend by my side. When you start to focus on the people around you rather than the opinions and lives of people on social media you will be a happier person. You won’t waste time on such negative outlets and spend more time on things and with people that make you happy. Spend more time on being yourself rather than editing out the odd roll or bit of cellulite from your instragam pictures.
Be you, be real, it’s the most beautiful thing you can be.
Peace and Love always,