Do you ever have one of those moments where you just want the ground to swallow you whole? For it to devour every last little bit without a hint of hesitation? Today I had one of those moments and instead of it being just one minute, just 60 little seconds to get through, it was a good five minutes and I can honestly say it felt like it lasted light years. It was just a presentation, plain and simple. How simple and easy it sounds. At the start of said presentation, in front of all of my managers at work, of course my brain decided to go into over drive and cause my breathing to get quicker and uneven, for my legs to turn to jelly, my fingers to shake, words to jumble together and my voice to turn into a near indefinable squeak. Basically causing the one thing that I had been preparing all week for to turn to sh*t.
Disappointment is the first emotion to barge it’s way through my brains barriers, pushing every sense of normality out of the window and drowning my positive vibes with negative thoughts. Doubt washed over the room, convincing me that everything I was saying and doing sounded stupid. Then comes Failure, floating in like the little b*tch that she is, delicately twisting everything inside your head and just coating everything lightly with a dust of shame. Then comes Anger, stomping it’s way past everyone, pushing even more tears to fall down your face. All of these emotions are exactly what you need when you’re stood in a room full of people staring at you. To top it all off they are all joined by Embarrassment, who stumbles around trying to string words and thoughts together whilst your nerves are rattling from head to toe, scrambling at anything to keep you afloat whilst you start to sink down through an almighty anxious wave.
The thing is with emotions like these is that they all feed of one another. They thrive of the spiralling sensation that drags you down and turns every little mole hill into a mountain. The snowball is rolling from the second you try to stop it and it just feels like an avalanche is occurring before you can even think to escape for cover.
So, as all of this is happening in a matter of minutes inside my head, the nicer group of emotions begin to try and fight back. It all begins with Courage peaking her head every so slightly up out of the shadows, first of all helping to steady my hands and trembling fingers until they’re only somewhat quivering. Pride begins to march along side Anger, kicking it to the kerb as I continue to make my way through my powerpoint, parading around the room as I proceed to talk about my achievements. Hope, gently begins to lighten the room as it helps me focus on the task at hand and motivates me to get to the end of this measly 10 minute slide show. Inspiration, stands tall and proud as I talk about how far I’ve come, everything I’ve achieved and where I want to be within my role. Last but not least, Love, pops it’s head up to give me some self confidence. It traces it’s delicate fingers around my mind, transforming each worry into something of nothing, she pushes my shoulders back, lifts my head up and forces the words from my stuttering lips.
Emotions can be such an overwhelming thing when you’re under pressure and I have always struggled to speak in front of an audience. I have never had the confidence within myself to stand tall in front of people but I have never been prouder of myself than I have this week. Presenting in front of my mangers at work this week was the first time I have done something like that in about 5/6 years and to have so many eyes focused on me was what pushed me to tears. Presenting immediately after my lunch break didn’t help and I couldn’t help but let my mind fill with negativity.
However the thing is, that no matter what you do, if you can overcome something that scares you (in my case this week, presenting to a room of adults) it doesn’t matter what it is. The fact is that you were brave enough to overcome that fear, to give it everything you have and be courageous enough to fight for what you want. The bigger the fear the bigger the achievement and that applies to anything. If you believe in yourself and find your inner strength then you know that there is something greater in you than any obstacle. Strength isn’t gained from winning, it is your struggles that build your true strength and character. Persevering through hard times and choosing not to give up shows how strong you truly are and that is something that no one can ever take away from you.
Never give up on yourself because it is only in times of the deepest and darkest difficulty that your inner strength can grow.
Remember you are beautiful.
Peace & Love,